Meandering Thoughts on my Last 10 Years

Finishing Delusions of Grandeur was my top creative achievement.

Ten years ago I was still picking up the pieces and trying to find my footing after the 2008 financial crisis–an event that not only cost me my fortune, but the respect of someone who was closest to me. To make up for what I saw as my own personal screw up, I did things I didn’t want to do, like moving away from the city where I felt most at home. 

The pain, frustration and torture from that time is what pushed me from being someone who told stories at parties to being a writer. This means if given the change to undo that failure, I wouldn’t be who I am now. And I like who I am. It also means I wouldn’t have befriended all the wonderful friends I’ve made as I flailed from coast to coast, especially my friends in San Francisco. And I wouldn’t have met the love of my life. 

After years of not having an ideal place to entertain friends, we are always hosting events.

One thing you might not know about me is I’m scrappy AF. I can make things happen, and I can make something out of nothing. And I’m proud of that. It’s a useful skill that might have atrophied had I not lost everything and not had to climb back while bouncing from place to place.

A woman is born with all the eggs she’ll ever have, and since I was a late surprise, I was born from an old egg. I’ve always felt I should be about twenty years older than I am, and have bonded with those in that age group. When I was in the seventh grade my favorite show was Thirty Something, and when my friends came over I’d carefully plan the lighting scheme, dimming the chandelier and serving them sodas on a big silver tray. Entertaining in the home is one of my favorite things, and as a consequence of moving around, the divorce, etc. I haven’t been able to properly do that  (which has been incredibly frustrating) until the end of last year, when we acquired Villadiva. It’s big, old, haunted, and needs work, and we absolutely love it. 

Jett passed by the Villadiva Wall of Fame

Today, I’m preparing Villadiva for Mac Taylor’s going away party. Never do I feel myself as much as when I’m preparing to entertain. The Little Liberace from my childhood is very much still here. 

As I look at the past decade, I can say that I have very few regrets and much that I’m proud of and am thankful for. I’ve never been as true to myself as I am now. In retrospect it really seems a catastrophic failure was just what I needed.

Life at 44 (45 in a few weeks) is more fun than I ever imagined.  

The Teapot & the Colander


We are like pieces of a tea set. Sometimes we’re the teacup, and sometimes we’re the pot. But there are imposters among us: colanders posing as teacups. 

When we fill the cups with our goodwill, they are warm and grateful. The colander, by contrast, is insatiable. It takes a teapot time to figure out what’s going on. Soon, there’s an army of teapots pouring all they have into the colander, to no avail. Filling it becomes an all-consuming obsession, and the teapots feel a sense of pride and camaraderie in their team effort. 

Once a teapot runs dry, it’s a threat to the colander because it signals to the full pots that their efforts may be futile. At minimum the imposter wails about being betrayed and abandoned by the teapot, but oftentimes it seeks to destroy the empty pots, sweeping their shattered pieces out of sight.

The moral of the story is to look for the holes. 

OKC Community Debates Whether Video of ‘Habana Hothead’ is a Sign of Trouble for the Famed LGBTQ Hotel

View of one of the Habana’s pools.

As LGBTQ establishments nationwide vanish at a rapid clip, there was a sigh of relief this past January when Oklahoma City’s infamous Habana Inn was purchased by someone with plans to renovate, rather than tear it down. It was re-branded as Hotel Habana.

Since then, however, there have been troubling signs. As of this writing, all three commercial anchors — the discotheque, the country bar, and the restaurant, are gone. The bars, which have been in the building for over thirty years, have relocated elsewhere in the 39th & Penn gayborhood after lease negotiations fell apart.

The hotel owner will reportedly open up his own revamped businesses in the spaces, but appears to have hard feelings towards the tenants who left. Brandon Pickett, an employee of the country bar Finishline — which still controls the space in the Habana for another week, shared security video of a man he identified as hotel owner Tom Lagatta ripping down the bar’s signs in an apparent fit of rage. ‘Maestro of Memes’ Josh Jordan added music to the footage. Click here to watch.

On his Facebook post of the video, Pickett writes:

Seriously taken aback by the actions of the owner of the Hotel Habana. Tom Laggata destroyed property belonging to Copa/Finishline. Is this how a business owner expects to get respect? This is some really childish mess. Sir you are 70+ years old and should have better sense than this. GUESS YOU FORGOT YOU’RE ON CANDID CAMERA.

Debate rages in the local community about what this all means for the Habana’s prospects. From my perspective, not keeping the long-running businesses in place was a monumental misstep, but I hope that it somehow works out.

I’ll leave you with a passage I wrote about my impressions of the Habana in the 1990s.

There were no dead ends at the Habana, only twists and turns where more excitement might await. Like a brick and mortar Facebook and sex app rolled into one, it’s where the action was. The loitering chickens, the cruisy trolls, the people and cars circling “the shame,” the tailgaters, the queens going back and forth between the packed dance clubs, the guys looking out their windows with doors ajar, the house phone in the lobby where you could dial any room, the eccentric characters like “Sammy Safari,” an animal trainer who brought a leashed tiger to the disco, the fine diners under the gaudy brass chandelier overlooking the shenanigans at the pool through floor to ceiling windows…

Even without the clubs in the building, you can still park once and walk to a restaurant and half a dozen fun bars. If you haven’t experienced the Habana and the surrounding gayborhood, it’s time to flail on down. We can’t count on our spaces being around forever.

After a Bruising Controversy, Metro Trans Umbrella Group Withdraws From St. Louis Pride Parade.

Metro Trans Umbrella Group (MTUG) has pulled out of Sunday’s Pride Parade with a surprise announcement by MTUG Executive Director Sayer Johnson on St. Louis Public Radio.

“So much of the conversation has been taken over by this parade when so many in our community aren’t even getting their basic needs met” Johnson said. “Pride for us is a mark of survival, not celebration.”

Many board members have been personally targeted, and have lost friends over the controversy.


The Board of Pride STL sought to honor and highlight the Trans community’s contributions for Stonewall 50, but faced intense backlash and even threats over a request that officers marching not be uniformed this year. Proposed compromises included officers wearing shirts that read “LGBTQIA+ Officer” or MTUG shirts, but were resoundingly rejected by representatives for police marchers. In the end, a press conference was held in the office of Mayor Lyda Krewson reversing the decision.


The group was to participate as grand marshal.  

A STLPD tactical vehicle at the 2017 St. Louis Pride Parade. The Trans community requested police marchers have a toned-down presence for Stonewall 50. Photo by Scott Lokitz, courtesy of Pride STL.

Pride STL’s Police Uniform Decision Reversed. Trans Leaders Devastated.

For the first time, Pride St. Louis decided to put the Trans community front and center in the parade in honor of Stonewall 50. Going a major step further, they attempted to ignite a discussion about Trans issues by asking police marchers to wear civilian clothing for this year’s celebration. Another idea was for unarmed officers to march in MTUG shirts. While many like myself enjoy seeing uniformed police in the parade as a symbol of how far we’ve come, other communities have very different realities. There are many marginalized people who don’t call the police when they need help. This was an opportunity to discuss that.

It didn’t go well.

Most in opposition genuinely felt this proposal was discriminatory and disrespectful to LGBTQ officers. They kept to those general talking points, and a few even offered a kind word to Trans friends and their supporters. Many others, however, poured gasoline on the controversy with hyperbolic, defamatory and discriminatory statements about both the Pride St. Louis Board as a whole, individual members–many who were sent hateful messages, and the Trans community.

I’ve been saying for over a week that proposals are often scrapped (remember the $5 entry fee?) as details are finalized, and today the Board has reversed the request after winning a concession from STLPD to attend diversity training.

Below is MTUG’s official statement:

Liberation

This year, 50 years after the Stonewall riot, we were cautiously optimistic that we would finally be seen by our own community. Earlier this year, the board of Pride St Louis decided to center gender expansive and trans lived experiences by holding us up as grand marshals in honor of 50 years into our movement. When we agreed to take our place as grand marshals, we agreed to make our bodies vulnerable; we put our most marginalized community members at risk once again, especially our siblings of color. While hesitant, we agreed despite knowing that uniformed, armed police officers who have historically and presently criminalized our bodies would be in the parade. We have strained at best, and violent at worst, relationships with police officers. There has been no indication or effort made to gain an understanding or awareness by the police of who we are and what our community needs from our police officers. We knew that our constituency would be resistant to marching with armed officers however we wanted to work with the Pride Board and Parade team. Once the decision was made to exclude armed, uniformed police officers we finally felt seen, heard, understood and centered. Watching the backlash from white, cisgender gay and lesbian and straight community members, we realize that there is so much more work to be done. More than 50 years into this fight, we are not safe even within our own movement. So what are we going to do now? We don’t know. For right now, our leadership core is at a loss for words. We are disappointed. We are frightened. And, now quite frankly, we are much more aware of the massive targets on our backs put there by the Federal government, our state legislature, and our own community leaders.

An irony in all this is many of MTUG’s natural allies sat on their hands due to their general opposition to Pride St. Louis, ceding the field entirely to those opposed to the proposal. That of course was not helpful, but will be self-serving for the masturbatory cynics who can now say “I told you so.”

Pride is a community organization that answers to the community. They held firm longer than I could have expected, and hopefully the concession they won has some impact on the lives of people in our community. I commend their efforts.

I believe in the long run some good will come from this, mainly a better understanding of Trans issues. But for now, calls for unity will ring hollow after refusing to even listen to one another.  We all limp towards Stonewall 50 battered and bruised.

And for those who have been drunk on rage, you’re going to have a hangover from Hell.